Today’s Mantra

“THINK small.”

I just can’t seem to do it. I ten do blow everything up into colossal proportions.

Doesn’t Make It True

I’ve said it way too many time before: keep saying that to yourself–and maybe others too–and maybe you will start believing it too. And while others may easily be fooled, fooling yourself is another thing. I’ve said it over and over like a mantra for years now, but that doesn’t make it true. I almost had myself fooled, but by the end of the day, you and I, along with everyone else, still know it was a lie.

The 5 stages of grief, followed but unfinished. I’ve been jumping around and about; stuck at denial.

Stop Dreaming?

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

I think I dream too much. Way too much. I spend half the time (if not more) that I am supposedly listening, dreaming. I look and stare at things and people or just afar, dreaming. I would chance upon different projects and ideas and dream about how I would have done it if I had thought about it. I dream about what I would have done, or what I should be doing, but I rarely ever do, because I am stuck thinking of reasons why I can’t.

I seem to despise people who are brave. I tend not to associate with them much, not because I don’t like them but because I feel so mediocre (at best) around them. I think it makes me want to hate myself more then them–for not doing anything… for just sitting around dreaming.

Puppet Master

A very long conversation with an older person led me to a theory: we are all puppeteers. I have always strongly believed that there is not one side to a person. No one can ever know anyone else (sadly, sometimes even themselves) entirely. There are far too many obstructions, not to mention a thick and sturdy facade.

So on with the puppets. I think that in an effort to protect ourselves (a defense mechanism of sorts), we tend to make puppet versions of ourselves. They talk, act, react, think and look they way we want them to–or the way we think we should. They are a figment of our interpretation of and compromise with the norm.

In a way, there is you and i, our core real selves and then there is our puppet. And people often only have to see and interact with our little puppets until they hit a sore spot, decide to delve deeper, and somehow cut the strings off of our creation. Perhaps only then will anyone really see through who we are–or at least a part of

I sense a project here…

For ours is a love-hate relationship

I don’t ask you why you don’t eat your damn vegetables!

I am sick of being asked why  decided to be vegetarian. Almost 2 years ago, I decided to slowly remove meat from my diet. First few weeks, I stopped eating beef, the I quit pork. It was difficult to give up chicken and fish (I blame the sushi bar for this!), so that took a good few months to let go.

I think I started being vegetarian during lent of 09. I decided that my Lenten sacrifice would be giving up meat altogether. Labeling it a “sacrifice”, the fact that I had a reason for it made it easy. And whenever anyone asked me why I wasn’t eating meat, the answer came easy: it was my Lenten sacrifice. And all their questions almost always ends there.

The annoying questions started after lent. Lent was over, I should be done with my sacrifice… but I felt like I have already endured 40 days and didn’t really crave meat. I began to like the diet. (And don’t get me wrong, it’s not like vegetarianism was some impulsive idea or lifestyle that I just suddenly decided to do. I always wanted to try it and know what it’s like to not eat meat. Just because!) Anyway, so people have since all too often asked me this question: WHY? The answer isn’t easy. I don’t have a clear, solid tangible, logical explanation as to why. I really don’t aside from the fact that it makes me feel good; it makes me feel healthy. Partly, because I am trying to avoid my fat and hypertension genes. Am I an animal activist? No. Not yet. Really, just because I decided to quit eating meat, doesn’t mean I’m an angry PETA activist!

“Thou shouldst eat to live; not live to eat.” – —  Socrates

24-hour Zine Thing 1st Attempt

0830C: I woke up and procrastinated, enjoyed my bed because I will be avoiding it in the next couple of hours.

0847C: Finally got up, trying to prep myself up for the challenge.

0920C: Sat by the kitchen counter, contemplating weather I should start at 0930. Decided against it.

0945C:I plan to start this challenge today, probably in a few minutes when I am more ready. I want to be artistically pumped for this. My official zine goal for this attempt is “finish the 24-page zine this year!” and to that I now add, an aesthetically pleasing, thoughtfully written zine. It’s going to be difficult. I didn’t have as much sleep as I usually do (which is often about 9-10 hours) partly because I was too excited about this challenge. I haven’t even prepared all my stuff yet! Might start at 1000, but people are vacuuming the place, which can be quite distracting. I’ll have to wait and see.

1006C: a setback. I am stuck in a conversation I can’t avoid. My mind is racing with ideas that are starting to get difficult to stop and suppress. I have to start by 1015!

1025: officially starting. Emily Dickenson is my muse.

1026: I felt a Funeral, in my Brain

1117: Done with cover and the 1st page, but only because the 1st page is a poem i like, with some intro. Wait, does the cover page and back cover count in the 24 pages???

1206: Not counting the cover page, I am currently working on  page 3. Oh and I am doing a quarter zine, by the way.

1249: on page 5. Seems fast, but really I can imagine little people in my brain going through all my thoughts and memories for a spark of genius.

1410: I have to leave and not because I want to. People are coming to look at the house… Blah right at you, setback!

1501: Back and I had lost my train of thought. Great. On the eighth page, I think… it’s hard to tell since it hasn’t been printed and laid-out yet.

1842: I can feel the pressure. Not so much because i don’t have time left but because one i am running out of ideas with each page and because i know that i easily fall asleep. oh noooo. And now, I have to eat dinner plus a quick relaxing break.

2005: Ta-da! NO I am not yet done. But EUREKA! Free writing to the rescue!

210o: A few pages to go. I am not telling how many. Don’t want to jinx it. I want to make the last few pages to be just as good if not better than the rest!

2126: I want nothing more than to just jump into the pool and relax. One page to go and a blank page is mocking me. And I don’t have thread or needles–not even a stapler! Oh and I am not sure I know how to make copies. I wish I were in Texas–where I have too much thread and needles and strings and staples…

2005: almost done. yay! well, with the content. I am rewarding myself with half a cup of ice cream =D

0023: Converted everything into pdf to be printed out later. Maaaaan, it’s been a loooooong day. It’d suck if I technically finish but then not be able to print and bind it on time! Should I reward myself with a nap? Will I wake up?

0052: Sadly, I don’t trust myself. I’m pretty sure that there is no way I would wake up if I do “nap” now. SOOO I decided to finish the original. It’s cut into the right size and all, and bound. It will probably be the only copy that had been finished within the 24 hours, although I plan to make copies tomorrow… probably past noon (past my 24 hours). It was a really difficult call, because I really wanted to make all the print runs within the 24 hours. But hey, I finished EARLY and it’s my 1st attempt at the 24 Hour Zine Thing so I’m cutting myself some slack.

You did good, Denise. You deserve a pat on the back.

It’s Hair

Hair. It’s just hair, but it seems to mean so much by connotation. There are expectations and norms. And although recently, whether who has long or short hair has been more obscured, still generally it’s the norm that girls have long hair while guys have short hair. Unconvinced? Which guys have long hair? Usually only those who belong to a subculture like goths, punks, and the like (or older bikers). And although more and more women are starting to cut their hair shorter and shorter, take one look at magazines and still the you will see that more women still cling on to long hair. And why? Is it really by choice or by some unknown, unexplainable, lingering cultural norm? I think it’s the latter.

I’d like to think that a woman’s decision to cut her hair short is a sign of independence and power. It’s like saying, Yes I am a woman, I don’t have that thing hanging between my legs, but that doesn’t mean I am confined in beauty and aesthetic. (Go androgyny!)

SO what inspired this entry? I have been contemplating whether I should grow my hair or cut it short. Quite obviously, I chose the latter. I have to admit though, I felt a bit too sentimental before my haircut And the hair dresser asking me multiple times if I am sure I wanted to chop my hair off did not help any! It was also funny in an absurd way how she’d constantly say stuff like, “You’re sure you want it short, right because there is no turning back.” or “You have a lot of hair.” Anyway…

(Will upload later tonight)

On a different note, I watched Hair last month on Broadway. It was AWESOME and made me miss HTG.

I don’t want to spoil the story for those who hadn’t seen or read it yet, so here is a copy of the flyer that the cast hands out with flesh flowers just before the the end of the show.

http://www.hairbroadway.com/widget.php Spread the love =)

It’s hair. Any stories of thoughts about hair? Do share!

Grab-n-Go

I think about the future a lot, and it’s quite a scary thought not so much because I am jaded (which I am) but because it’s still very much ablur. I want to do a lot of different things. I want to be someone in whatever I do. I have big dreams and goals.

I think I will live having very little (materialistically). I want to be able to fit all my stuff at the back of a pick-up truck and be ready to go. A laptop or two, different cameras, my books pen & paper, a few clothes and a taser gun… then I should be good to go.

I want a house to go home to. Maybe a little cabit somewhere with an organic garden, a little chicken coop. A dog. Maybe my own family. Just maybe. Who knows?

An iffy “Hello World”

The truth is, I am relatively new to this whoe non-anonymous blogging thing. I always liked hiding behind pseudonyms, because it was always a lot easier to express whatever I wanted without any hesitation when I could always DENY that it was me. I guess it had always been far too difficult to express what I really wanted when even I was never really sure who I am or who I wanted to be.

So what changed? Do I know myself better now than ever before? No, not really but I want to learn to be more comfortable with what I do know about myself and what I don’t. It’s just that I think people who are comfortable with who they are and exploring what they don’t even know about themselves are far more sucessufful and happy in life. I am tired of hiding behind my many aliases. I am unhappy with being in the background; of being mediocre. I want ot go places. I want to move the world AND it is diffucult to do any of that when you are scared and anxious about how people would react or what people would say. Do I suddenly not care what people think? No, ABSOLUTELY NOT. On the contrary, I am scared shitless. Most people know me as laid-back, easy going and borderline pushover. Even more people don’t know me at all on a personal level, rarely because they do not try; often because I am unwilling to let them.

So what do I know about myself? This is difficult to answer. Much like a lot of other people, I am a person of contradition. I haven’t set a clear cut line on my values and moral beliefs.

- “I like pie.” is something I say/text/type a lot when I can’t think of anything. Do I like pie that much? Not really.
- I am REALLY a lot girlier than I seem or would like to admit.
- I have an unhealthy fascination with skulls and taxidermy although roadkill freaks me out [I've tried countless times to talk myself into taking a dead posom home, but failed.]
- I am a veggie and I am thinking of going all out vegan BUT I like cheese too much.
- I have the attention span of a 2 year old who just ate a ton of chocolate and chugged 10 liters of soda.
- I am a closet romantic.
- if I could, I would be a hippie.